Tuesday Morning
by SirusPolaris
Summary: R&R [One-Shot/Songfic] Companion piece to 'Something To Sleep To', though it can stand alone. Julia's take on the start of a beautiful disaster.


*A/N:* This is a companion piece to my other fic, "Something To Sleep To". Like I've mentioned before, I have this unexplainable dislike for Julia. Don't know why. Thusly, it was very, very hard to write this piece without getting rather annoyed. But somehow I managed. . . So, without further ado, here's Julia's version of the first night and the morning after.  
  
*DISCLAIMER:* Okay, I lied. Just a little more ado: I don't own the song or the show.  
  
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*~*~I remember   
  
Stormy weather,  
  
The way the sky looks when it's cold~*~*  
  
A crystalline tear coursed down her porcelain cheek as she slowly trudged down the stairs, heading home. The steps looked older and more worn than ever, extending to the very edge of the world.  
  
Julia had never felt her heart torn in so many directions before; there were never so many dangers in her life at the same time. She quite basically felt like shit, to put it simply.   
  
She had royally fucked up this time. And because of it, they would both pay.  
  
She felt like such an idiot.  
  
*~*~And you were with me,   
  
Content with walking  
  
So unaware of the world.~*~*  
  
The only thing stable in her crumbling empire seemed to be him, and how warm he had been lying next to her. She hadn't meant for things to go so far, and she certainly hadn't meant for her feelings to escalate to wherever they were. Love, perhaps? She couldn't be sure. She hadn't even known she felt this way up until yesterday.  
  
It shouldn't have happened, Julia decided firmly. She should never have left her house last night, she should have never had that last whisky sour, and she should never have allowed Vicious to have Spike escort her home.   
  
But she did, and it had led her right to his apartment.  
  
God damnit.  
  
*~*~Please don't drive me home tonight,  
  
'Cause I don't want to feel alone.~*~*  
  
Her hand gripped the railing as another teardrop trickled down the side of her face. Why did he have to be so wonderful? If he had been cold, if he had been cruel, if he had been Vicious, she wouldn't have thought twice about leaving.  
  
But he was Spike. Wonderful, beautiful, gentle Spike.  
  
In all of Julia's syndicate years, she had never met anyone like him. So aloof and apathetic, but at the same time unmistakably driven and passionate. He was one of the stable points in her mind when things were crazy; he had always been. But she hadn't noticed up until recently, when she was no longer available.  
  
Fuck, she felt stupid.  
  
*~*~Please don't drive me home tonight,  
  
'Cause I don't want to go. . .~*~*  
  
Julia forced herself not to look back, to scour his apartment door and ponder if he had woken to find her gone. She felt bad for leaving, hell, she felt horrible, but whatever had happened back there had to be left behind, for the good of everyone.  
  
The tears were falling freely now, spattering the concrete stairs and flowing down her cheeks in rivulets. Falling like rain.  
  
Taking a deep breath to calm her frayed nerves, she reached the end of the stairs, the point of no return. She couldn't. She wouldn't. Nothing could change. She was determined to save him, at the cost of herself and her feelings for him.   
  
And just like that, Julia stepped off the platform and into the abyss.   
  
*~*~Tuesday morning,  
  
In the dark,  
  
I was finding out  
  
Who you are.~*~*  
  
The sky outside was a dusky gray, a last lingering tribute to the gorgeous storm that had graced Mars the night before. The asphalt was steaming, and the air was thick with the scent of rain.  
  
She could faintly remember the feel of the cool drops on her face, on his, the way his hands brushed them away. He had the most beautiful hands she had ever seen-strong and callused but graceful in an unimaginable way.  
  
Julia remembered his hands. . . and the way they danced over her, the way the buried themselves in her hair, the way they sought feverously to push them closer, but never close enough.   
  
*~*~I took your picture  
  
While you were sleeping,  
  
Then I paced around the room~*~*  
  
When she woke, she was tangled in his sheets with her face pressed against his bare chest. Not that it wasn't an enjoyable position to wake up in, mind you-- it wasn't even a shock. It felt so completely *right*.   
  
So perfect.  
  
It should have felt wrong; it should have felt dirty and deceitful. But it didn't, and it scared her out of her mind.   
  
Because Vicious was never warm. Vicious was never gentle, or passionate. Vicious never looked at her with anything but lust or anger in his eyes. Their lovemaking was always a wild release, and there was no love in it. It never made her feel whole, or beautiful.  
  
But Spike's hands had made her feel like a goddess. She was safe surrounded by him, if only for the night alone.  
  
*~*~If I had known then  
  
That these things happen,  
  
Would they have happened with you?~*~*  
  
It had taken all of the willpower she possessed to actually leave him in the morning. Every fiber, every atom wanted to stay wrapped up in his essence.   
  
That man could sleep through a damn earthquake; it was easy to slip out of his embrace, gather her clothes, and leave without waking him. Well, it wasn't exactly easy. It was probably the hardest task she ever had to do.   
  
When had this goofy, lanky man become the center-point of her universe? It had never occurred to her, in her wildest dreams that he would complete her. It had never even crossed her mind.  
  
Julia paused on the sidewalk to look up at his open window with a nostalgic sigh. God, she was so in love with that man.  
  
*~*~Please don't drive me home tonight,  
  
'Cause I don't want to feel alone.  
  
Please don't drive me home tonight,  
  
'Cause I don't want to go.~*~*  
  
She never wanted any of this. She was a good person for the most part, wasn't she?   
  
"Someone, please," she whispered to herself, pulling her coat tighter around her, "tell me I haven't sinned. . ."  
  
But there was no one there to hear her; the streets were empty and lonely-looking.  
  
*~*~Tuesday morning,  
  
In the dark,  
  
I was finding out  
  
Who I was.~*~*   
  
Julia wasn't ignorant, or stupid. She knew of the close-knit, if a little frightening, friendship Spike and Vicious shared. They were brothers in arms, their lives daily depended on each other, and both would fight to defend the other. She knew the only thing to come between them would have to be the most important thing in the world, at least to them.  
  
She knew that her feelings weren't unrequited. The look in his eyes last night spoke volumes.   
  
*~*~And if you turned around to see me,  
  
And I was gone. . .~*~*  
  
That was why she had to leave. That was why she couldn't love him. If she hurt him, he would leave, and neither of them would be punished for their wrongs.   
  
Spike wouldn't understand. He had told her he wanted to keep seeing her, even if it was behind his friend's back. Julia would never understand how he could turn against his partner so quickly, but she wasn't about to ask.  
  
Spike wanted her, and she wanted him. But it couldn't happen.   
  
Vicious was no idiot, either. He would find out.  
  
*~*~You should have looked outside your window,  
  
'Cause the sun was coming up.~*~*  
  
She risked a glance at the sky, watching the clouds dissipate in the morning sun through watery eyes. Mars was always beautiful after the rain, even if it was pre-calculated. It gave her at least one comfort to hold on to.  
  
She estimated it was around 7:00, so the quaint little roadside shops weren't open yet. Pausing in her tired trudging, Julia halted in front of a flower shop. She passed by it every day on her way to work, but had never really noticed it before.   
  
Sweet scented magnolias, deep amethyst violets, cheery white daisies, and the most beautiful roses she had ever seen.   
  
*~*~Oh, please don't drive me home tonight,  
  
'Cause I don't want to feel alone. . .~*~*  
  
God, what she wouldn't have given to have an arm around her shoulders just then. She felt so completely lost. . .  
  
Frustration boiled up inside her. Why? Why, damnit, WHY?! She angrily wiped the tears away, sniffing helplessly as more came to replace them.   
  
She ran the rest of the way to her apartment, biting back sobs.   
  
*~*~Tuseday morning,  
  
In the dark,  
  
We were finding out  
  
Who we are.~*~*  
  
With strength born of aggravation, Julia practically ripped the front door off of its hinges, jogging up the stairs with ragged breaths. The corridor didn't hold the same security that it used to, she didn't feel safe at all; she could feel millions of eyes glaring at her back, guns cocked and glinting in the pale light.  
  
Her hands were shaking as she stuck her key into the lock, leaning against the open frame and letting go. She buried her face in her hands and sobbed for all she was worth, not caring who saw or heard. She was a broken woman, and the realization hurt.  
  
Tears scalded her palms and ran into her mouth as she cried out her turmoil; she felt like crawling into a hole and shriveling up. She was torn between missing him and hating him. . . wonderful him.  
  
*~*~Tuesday morning,  
  
In the dark,  
  
We were finding out  
  
Who we are.~*~*  
  
When her sobs had subsided somewhat, Julia straightened, scrubbing her eyes tiredly. Her head was throbbing and she felt dizzy, last night's alcohol and activities catching up to her.   
  
She loved him. Julia repeated it in her mind like a sullen mantra. She loved him, she loved him, she loved him.  
  
And because of that, she knew everything would crumble. She *knew*. They would both parish, and it would be her fault.  
  
"God," she choked out with a doomed sigh, "what have I done. . ." 


End file.
